Deflection protection

Dear Co-worker,

Please look up the meanings of reflective and deflective. You told our boss that we need deflective vests for our safety outside on the playground. I wonder what it is you'd like to deflect. Gamma rays from outer space? One can never be sure what you really mean, and that's not o.k.

-Punk Tilly

Predatory proselytizers

Dear Trench Coat-clad Proselytizers,

I was out for a walk this afternoon in my neighborhood park. Both of you hopped over the snow berm on your side of the street, crossed over, and inquired after my health. I replied that I was fine, thank you, and walked away from you as quickly as possible. With my back to you, you asked how my Christmas had been, and I felt like breaking into a sprint. This was the second such exchange we've had in the past three months, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Dear young men, please stop crossing the street to talk to me. You should not approach women who are out walking alone. You should not approach people whose body language -- lack of eye contact, hands in pockets, fast walking -- clearly says, "I am not interested in a conversation." Your tactics seem more than a little predatory, and that's not o.k. I'm sure God would agree that deeds done in His name should not creep people out.

Sincerely,
Punk Tilly

What would baby Jesus say?

Dear Symphony Orchestra Chairwoman,

I recently attended your holiday pops concert, and I observed a number of troubling things throughout the evening that I would like to bring to your attention.

First, if you'll permit me, a few words about the musical program. Your conductor kept saying that the evening's theme was "jazzy." You and I both know that a Tchaikovsky quartet and Victorian Christmas carols are, in fact, not jazzy at all. People in our small town may not be as sophisticated as some, but we know the difference between jazz and 19th century Russian compositions.

Owing to the lack of a musical theme and the conductor's assertions to the contrary, I have heard the concert called "a total shit show" by one of my friends. In the future, please assure the conductor that he does not need to create a false theme for a holiday concert because the holidays are the theme. We all know that pops means variety/shit.

Secondly, I would like to point out how the conductor was sexually objectified throughout the evening. Our newspaper and all of your marketing materials are saturated with information about his young age, unmarried status, height, and supposed charm. Please let each man and woman make of that information what they will. You are not required to publicly declare him "tall, dark, and handsome" and "the most eligible bachelor in town." Nor are you required to print, on the first page of the program, an invitation for patrons to "fall in love with the music" beside a casual photograph of the conductor. A flirty speech about his new custom-fit tuxedo, with a deliberate pause for audience reaction, is likewise unnecessary. (Would you have liked me to imagine the tailor measuring his inseam?)

This institutionalized fawning only inflates the conductor's arrogance, and it chips away at the dignity of his professional accomplishments. I understand how hard it will be to keep the innuendo off the stage and out of the program. Yes, we were all excited to hear that an employed, single young man had moved here, and, let's face it, his European accent is frosting on the cake. However, let us use the opportunity to practice composure and at least pretend that we value his life's work more than his full head of hair.

If I take offense to mild sexual objectification, it will come as no surprise to you that I regarded the guest soprano's behavior as wanton: The salacious photograph in the program and local newspaper. The costume changes between songs, from one cleavage-bearing dress to another. The way in which she opened the show -- sauntering down the aisle under a spotlight, sitting on men's laps and kissing their foreheads. The way she kept purring "maestro" into the microphone as she touched the conductor's arm.

If I had been in the position of the guest singer -- if my voice were superficial and if I were accompanied by an amateur symphony -- would I have tried to distract the audience with my breasts? Would I have set aside the celebration of our Savior's birth in favor of soft-core sexual exploitation using a slinky red sequined dress and a throaty laugh? Absolutely not. That's not o.k.

In this season, reverence and solemnity are where it's at. The singer's lounge act had no place at this concert. Sure, the flagging economy has you looking for ways to drive up ticket sales. You felt good after the concert when the wealthy male patrons, who normally doze off during your concerts, thanked you for an entertaining evening. All I'm requesting is that the singer-conductor foreplay be confined to the summer pops concerts when the warm weather is better suited to the various states of undress that "Candy" and her ilk seem to prefer.

Finally, dear chairwoman, I was troubled by the choice of sing-along songs at the end of the concert. Since you also attended the concert, you undoubtedly noticed that only 10% of the audience was actually singing along and the remaining 90% were either struggling or silent. Clearly, a Christmas song about marshmallows was a bad idea. Also, given our geographic isolation and homogeneously white population, you cannot trust everyone to grasp the lyrics to Feliz Navidad at such a fast tempo. Next year, I would suggest that all of the lyrics be in English.

Thank you for your kind consideration of my suggestions for next year's holiday concert. I look forward to a more reverent performance in 2009.

Gracias,
Punk Tilly

need information from you

Dear Co-worker,

You completely embarrass me every single time you write or speak on our program's behalf. Your malapropisms, mixed metaphors, and grammatical mistakes need to stop! For your own sake, and for the sake of our important work, please score some self-awareness.

Some helpful tips:

• Use a dictionary to discern Montessori from monastery. When you told me that your mother-in-law was visiting Montessoris in India, it was all I could do to keep from laughing in your face, and so I pretended I had not heard and asked you to repeat yourself. Please do your best to not tempt me like this.
• While you're at it, use the dictionary to look up the meaning of invasive. Sometimes we do give extensive written tests to the children we teach. But we are not medical personnel, and we do not enter their bodies in any way. Perhaps you should limit yourself to words that contain only one or two syllables.
• Listen carefully to idioms. When you say, "Let's dip our toes in the water and taste it out," it makes absolutely no sense. Better yet, skip the idioms and speak plainly. You really have a knack for trying to use the least illustrative and least appropriate expressions anyway.
• Read big words carefully. Drag your finger across the page or the computer screen if you have to. You have a problem seeing m and n at the end of words. For the last time, the word is pantomime, not pantomine. Maybe you've been using that smelly shampoo on your blond hair a little too long. (Oh sorry, was that mean or meam?)
• Notice the difference between someone saying, "Please get back to me at your earliest convenience," and the way you say, "I'll get back to you at my earliest convenience." One is considered polite (though slightly annoying), the other is rude, and you need to change your voicemail. I think you're thrown off by the word convenience. Remember the rule of thumb? You might try, "I'll get back to you as soon as I can."
• Help the people who read your e-mails by using descriptive subject lines. I know, and all of our associates know, that our program is named XYZ. There's no need for you to type XYZ in the subject line of every e-mail. Go ahead and use a few words to summarize the main idea of your message.
• While we're on the subject of subject lines, please consider how others might interpret your tone. Today, for instance, you wrote a terrible, error-ridden message to one of our national associates, and you titled it with a demanding "need information from you". Yesterday it was "Here you go....." Dear co-worker, all e-mails are presumably written to either give or request information. Find another way to summarize your thoughts. Also, you are not ee cummings. (That's a literary allusion. Be resourceful just this once and look him up.)
• Please use a wider variety of verbs, and preferably expressive ones. You overuse guide, outline, and enhance. Your favorite nouns (enhancement, instrument) are also turning stale. Ditto on needed and provided for, which you've managed to turn into adjectives.
• Do not end business letters/e-mails by signing Your friend. Business associates are not friends. Try a more professional valediction such as Sincerely, Thanks, or Thank you. Think of it this way: You really should thank people for reading your entire, awful messages. If you're in doubt, stick with what you know. Just type your name if nothing else comes to mind.
• Ah, names. You should spell other people's names correctly. I know you have the most generic, popular baby girl name from 1973. Your vanilla surname does nothing to distinguish you, either. But consider how people love the sight and sound of their own names. When you mess up spellings or pronunciations, you insult people just a little. And then you put the insulted person in the awkward position of having to correct your mistake. Take the time to look up people's names and address them correctly.
• To avoid sounding disingenuous, stop using overwrought words like thrilled and delightful in your business writing. The international space station crew was thrilled to receive new urine recycling equipment. You were mildly pleased when someone read your brochure. See the difference?
• Feel free to use conjunctions, prepositions, and articles when you write. The nouns you string together make no sense. Curriculum friendliness. Curriculum familiarity. Cost involvement. Cardiovascular behavior change. I may have missed something in physiology class, but I am fairly certain that my heart and blood vessels cannot willingly change their behavior. What are you really trying to say? One never really knows with you, and that's not o.k.
• We work with children. Go ahead and refer to them as children or kids. Every time you write or say the youth, it conjures up images from 1930's Germany. Let's face it -- you're only 35 years old and you live in a rural area. You wear teenager's clothing and listen to Top 40 radio, and you enjoy bar-hopping and reality TV for entertainment. You can safely get away with calling young people kids.
• When you're introducing us and our program to a group of future clients, please do not use this as an opening line: "You're lucky we're here." It's incredibly arrogant. Especially when you drive up to the clients' impoverished school in your $60,000 SUV.

Although I have enjoyed telepathically conveying apologies to our associates on your behalf for the past 18 months, I look forward to the day when you'll no longer offend or confuse them.

Sincerely,

Punk Tilly