Mommy Martyrs

Dear Co-worker and Boss,

Please stop implying that unmarried and childless people live in hedonistic wonderlands. You alone made the decision to breed with, and in some cases to marry, selfish men. You and your husbands have decided that you want the things that only two, travel-intensive, 50-hour workweeks can buy: oversized homes, impractical wardrobes, lavish vacations, and $60,000 SUVs. You have decided to enroll your children in all sorts of extracurricular activities, and it is therefore your own fault that you must run them around town every evening and weekend.

From what I can gather, you’d like me to pat you on the back for making normal parental sacrifices and trying to live a ridiculous and unsustainable lifestyle. Please keep in mind, however, that I am not your friend or spouse or child, and I cannot give you the comfort or support or gratitude that you evidently crave. Neither are we likely to become friends as our conversations follow a decidedly unfriendly and tiresome pattern – they’re always one-sided, you usually make some immodest declaration about your parenting/life philosophy, sometimes you make a half-assed apology for monopolizing the conversation, and you typically reminisce about the days before kids and marriage and assume that my life is a piece of cake.

Here’s a typical Monday morning conversation with you, dear boss: “What did you do this weekend? Traveled to see you friends? Man, I wish I could have sat in my pajamas and watched movies all weekend. I am so tired! But I had to take my kids to soccer practice and birthday parties, and then attend the silent auction for the [trendy charity of the month]. My husband bid on and won a privately guided kayaking trip, and I got the French chef for a private dinner party! Then I worked until 8:00 on Sunday night. I need a vacation! Did I tell you that our timeshare in Hawaii is booked for May? It’s so much cheaper than the hotels. I’m really proud of us for saving up our frequent flyer miles for this trip – we’ve all got to cut back in these hard economic times, you know? Anyway, I’ve been talking to my kids lately about turning off the TVs, Play Stations, cell phones, and computers in their respective bedrooms for at least one hour per day. I think it’s important that they know how to be alone. I myself have been getting up every morning to meditate. I’ve really been all about the decluttering this spring, and every time I buy a new outfit at the boutiques downtown, I give one of my older outfits to the YWCA. Between those donations and the auctions, my husband and I have almost met our 10% tithing goals for the year. And thank God! We need the tax break so we can finally remodel our master bedroom suite! Thirty thousand dollars doesn’t go as far as it used to. Oh, I miss my single days! I had so much more time to nourish my soul. I volunteered so much for the humane society and the homeless shelter, and I read a lot. Now my kids take up so much time.”

On Friday, dear co-worker, here’s how our meeting went, “OK, I know we have a lot of work to do, but first I wanted to show you this picture of my toddler! Can you believe it? He’s wearing one of my t-shirts! He saw me in my t-shirt and he loved it so much that he begged me to take it off and let him wear it to daycare. He actually popped out his binky and started yelling at me. His temper tantrums are so adorable! So I let him wear a different shirt of mine, and I know it covers his entire body and that he has diarrhea today, but I knew his daycare lady wouldn’t mind. True, she did give me ‘the look’ when I dropped him off this morning, like I’m a bad mom or something, but what am I supposed to do? He insisted on wearing the shirt! Have I given you the update on his diarrhea? Oh my gosh! Listen to me! Like you want to hear about my kid’s bowel movements! But seriously, they’re a lot firmer today and I couldn’t wait to get up this morning and check his diaper. I think it all goes back to this teething. Or maybe his soy allergy. Do you think hot chocolate causes diarrhea? I guess this is all a part of motherhood. Aren’t you glad you’re not a mom? I bet you sleep a lot. I haven’t slept more than 5 hours a day in two years. What’s going on with you? Are you dating anyone? No? Err. Um. Well, let’s get down to business.”

Please permit me to say the following:

• Life is not like Burger King - you don't get to have it your way. Resign yourself to the realities of motherhood, and please try to conceal your sense of entitlement from your innocent children.
• No one disputes that parenthood and marriage require hard work. If you need to talk about your perceived challenges, then talk to your friends, family, spouse, clergy, or therapist.
• Please don’t use my happy comments as a springboard for your complaints and declarations. It is super obvious that the main reason you ask about my weekend is so that you will feel justified in delivering a 20-minute speech about yourself.
• There’s no such thing as a living martyr, but it possible to be a semi-histrionic whiner.
• If you stopped complaining and declaring so much, you might discover that the people around you also have full lives. Single, divorced, widowed, and empty-nested people also get tired from time to time. They also need to spend time with and care for loved ones (parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandchildren, elderly family members, friends). They’re committed to volunteerism and participating in community events. They manage households (with a single income, and without help from spouses). Sometimes they work at more than one paid job or go to school, or they have any other number of important things going on in their lives.

The bottom line here is that you two are not special. By pretending that you are special, you’ve discounted the value of other people’s lives. That’s not o.k. In fact, it’s really annoying and selfish and I wish you'd knock it off.

Peace out,

Punk Tilly

Profound reflections in hard times

Dear Boss,

When I walked into the office this morning, you called me over to a gathering of my co-workers and asked me to listen to a "Zen story." You read about a beggar who sat on a box for 30 years, holding out his baseball cap and collecting money. Predictably, a stranger walked up to the beggar and had nothing to offer except the sage advice to look inside that box. I was blown over when the beggar discovered it was chalk full of gold! I loved the implication that this impoverished person lacked curiosity and never looked inside the box, and also that his laziness prevented him from ever moving the box and discovering that it weighed a ton. Anyway, after the 5-sentence build-up to this surprising climax, I felt as elated as the beggar who was saved from destitution.

You so aptly summed up the story this way: "In these hard economic times, we all need to look deep within ourselves." Wow, that was some profound shit. I'm so totally glad that, on the eve of "Spirit Week" at our Catholic hospital, when at least two major units of our organization were either closed or sold off this week, you gave us a Hallmark-Zen parable (and some pastries) with which to alleviate our fears. I was pleased that you choose this story above a Christian prayer or a gospel story. Bastardized Buddhism rocks, and I know our patron saint is nodding his approval up in heaven. Thank you!

Insincerely,
Punk Tilly

p.s. Kudos for reading a story about a beggar while my co-workers and I are contemplating the possibility of unemployment. That was super smooth.

Nitpicking with a fine-toothed comb

Dear Co-worker,

Please allow me to clarify the difference between a fine-toothed comb and fine-tuning. People use the first phrase to mean that they're investigating something in detail. That's different than fine-tuning, or making small adjustments. When you say, "Let's fine tooth this document," it makes little sense. (Are you suggesting that we delicately chew our papers? Given the current state of the economy, Punk Tilly is affronted by such an unproductive and wasteful notion.) Please choose only one phrase and stick with it; do not change horses in midstream.

Also, do not use the word "literally" unless you really mean it. I have no doubt that you figuratively change hats between your two work roles, i.e., you completely redirect your attention from one specific task to another. I know for a fact that you do not literally change your headgear between your two roles, as if you were doffing a helmet and donning a dunce cap. Figuratively, your slaughter of the English language makes me want to gag. I literally want to run to the computer and blog after every one of our meetings.

Yours most sincerely,
Punk Tilly

WTF? Sentence of the week

I especially appreciated the Eval question and indicators and objectives and indicator sections as they helped clarify our program objectives.

A Way With Words

Dear Co-worker,

When we met with the administrator of a private school yesterday, I noticed some more problems with your use and pronounciation of words. Here are some quotoes that I wrote down as you spoke (emphasis added):

• "This [brochure] lay outs the program."
• "XYZ stands in Xylophone Yippee Zipper."
• "Have your teachers fumble through this curriculum guide."
• "The fat con-TENT was lowered."

Might I recommend these corrections? I always find it best to give the appearance of intelligence, especially when I'm speaking with educators:

• "This brochure lays out the program."
• "XYZ stands for Xyliphone Yippee Zipper."
• "Have your teachers thumb through this curriculum guide." Better yet: "Please ask your teachers to read through this curriculum guide." I'm fairly certain we'd like the teachers to critically read about our program rather than casually flip through it as though they were looking at a fashion magazine in a waiting room.
• "The fat CON-tent was lowered."

Here are three other tips that generally lend more credibility to what you're saying in a professional situation:

• Keep your shirt buttoned up so as to conceal your breasts, especially at a religious, private elementary school. (Read: A place that instills conservative values to young children. The statue of the Virgin Mary standing in the entrance was probably your biggest clue to keep your jacket on.)
• Bring your business card to the meeting. If you decide to leave it in the car rather than bring it inside, so be it, but please do not explain these details to people you're trying to impress or persuade. They hear the-dog-ate-my-homework excuses all day long, and they do not need to hear it from a busty 36-year-old.
• Do not lie about the service or product you're offering. Yesterday you flat-out lied about an important feature of our program, and it will likely determine whether or not our program will be accepted by the administrator, who's trying to make a decision based on the information we provide. Also, lying is immoral. (Remember the virgin I was talking about? Her kid really frowns upon lying.) Finally, your lie puts me a in an uncomfortable position. I either have to jump in right after you tell the lie and correct you and risk your humiliation, or I have to go back to the adminstrator and and "clarify" what you said at the risk of appearing like a back-stabber, or I have to counsel you to revisit the administrator at the risk of treating you like my subordinate and exposing the administrator to more of your unprofessional behavior.

Thank you for your ongoing consideration,

Punk Tilly

Timeliness is Next to Godliness

Dear Co-Worker,

Today is February 12th. Please do not e-mail our associates and inquire after their satisfaction with the holiday season. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's constitute the holiday season, and those took place between 6 and 11 weeks ago. As usual, you are too late and that's not o.k. Next year, let's cap off the holiday talk by January 7th at the latest, shall we?

Sincerely,
Punk Tilly

p.s. My apologies if the holidays to which you referred were MLK Day and the Chinese New Year.

Close, but no cigar

Dearest Co-worker,

• Responsive and responsible are not the same word.
• It's vested interest, not invested interest.
• "On the ball" and "Roll with it" are two different expressions. "I'm going to roll on the ball" doesn't make sense in a conversation about following a work plan and accomplishing tasks unless your plan is to strengthen your abs using a large fitness ball.

Thanks for using a dictionary and thinking before you speak.

Yours sincerely,

Punk Tilly