Mommy Martyrs

Dear Co-worker and Boss,

Please stop implying that unmarried and childless people live in hedonistic wonderlands. You alone made the decision to breed with, and in some cases to marry, selfish men. You and your husbands have decided that you want the things that only two, travel-intensive, 50-hour workweeks can buy: oversized homes, impractical wardrobes, lavish vacations, and $60,000 SUVs. You have decided to enroll your children in all sorts of extracurricular activities, and it is therefore your own fault that you must run them around town every evening and weekend.

From what I can gather, you’d like me to pat you on the back for making normal parental sacrifices and trying to live a ridiculous and unsustainable lifestyle. Please keep in mind, however, that I am not your friend or spouse or child, and I cannot give you the comfort or support or gratitude that you evidently crave. Neither are we likely to become friends as our conversations follow a decidedly unfriendly and tiresome pattern – they’re always one-sided, you usually make some immodest declaration about your parenting/life philosophy, sometimes you make a half-assed apology for monopolizing the conversation, and you typically reminisce about the days before kids and marriage and assume that my life is a piece of cake.

Here’s a typical Monday morning conversation with you, dear boss: “What did you do this weekend? Traveled to see you friends? Man, I wish I could have sat in my pajamas and watched movies all weekend. I am so tired! But I had to take my kids to soccer practice and birthday parties, and then attend the silent auction for the [trendy charity of the month]. My husband bid on and won a privately guided kayaking trip, and I got the French chef for a private dinner party! Then I worked until 8:00 on Sunday night. I need a vacation! Did I tell you that our timeshare in Hawaii is booked for May? It’s so much cheaper than the hotels. I’m really proud of us for saving up our frequent flyer miles for this trip – we’ve all got to cut back in these hard economic times, you know? Anyway, I’ve been talking to my kids lately about turning off the TVs, Play Stations, cell phones, and computers in their respective bedrooms for at least one hour per day. I think it’s important that they know how to be alone. I myself have been getting up every morning to meditate. I’ve really been all about the decluttering this spring, and every time I buy a new outfit at the boutiques downtown, I give one of my older outfits to the YWCA. Between those donations and the auctions, my husband and I have almost met our 10% tithing goals for the year. And thank God! We need the tax break so we can finally remodel our master bedroom suite! Thirty thousand dollars doesn’t go as far as it used to. Oh, I miss my single days! I had so much more time to nourish my soul. I volunteered so much for the humane society and the homeless shelter, and I read a lot. Now my kids take up so much time.”

On Friday, dear co-worker, here’s how our meeting went, “OK, I know we have a lot of work to do, but first I wanted to show you this picture of my toddler! Can you believe it? He’s wearing one of my t-shirts! He saw me in my t-shirt and he loved it so much that he begged me to take it off and let him wear it to daycare. He actually popped out his binky and started yelling at me. His temper tantrums are so adorable! So I let him wear a different shirt of mine, and I know it covers his entire body and that he has diarrhea today, but I knew his daycare lady wouldn’t mind. True, she did give me ‘the look’ when I dropped him off this morning, like I’m a bad mom or something, but what am I supposed to do? He insisted on wearing the shirt! Have I given you the update on his diarrhea? Oh my gosh! Listen to me! Like you want to hear about my kid’s bowel movements! But seriously, they’re a lot firmer today and I couldn’t wait to get up this morning and check his diaper. I think it all goes back to this teething. Or maybe his soy allergy. Do you think hot chocolate causes diarrhea? I guess this is all a part of motherhood. Aren’t you glad you’re not a mom? I bet you sleep a lot. I haven’t slept more than 5 hours a day in two years. What’s going on with you? Are you dating anyone? No? Err. Um. Well, let’s get down to business.”

Please permit me to say the following:

• Life is not like Burger King - you don't get to have it your way. Resign yourself to the realities of motherhood, and please try to conceal your sense of entitlement from your innocent children.
• No one disputes that parenthood and marriage require hard work. If you need to talk about your perceived challenges, then talk to your friends, family, spouse, clergy, or therapist.
• Please don’t use my happy comments as a springboard for your complaints and declarations. It is super obvious that the main reason you ask about my weekend is so that you will feel justified in delivering a 20-minute speech about yourself.
• There’s no such thing as a living martyr, but it possible to be a semi-histrionic whiner.
• If you stopped complaining and declaring so much, you might discover that the people around you also have full lives. Single, divorced, widowed, and empty-nested people also get tired from time to time. They also need to spend time with and care for loved ones (parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandchildren, elderly family members, friends). They’re committed to volunteerism and participating in community events. They manage households (with a single income, and without help from spouses). Sometimes they work at more than one paid job or go to school, or they have any other number of important things going on in their lives.

The bottom line here is that you two are not special. By pretending that you are special, you’ve discounted the value of other people’s lives. That’s not o.k. In fact, it’s really annoying and selfish and I wish you'd knock it off.

Peace out,

Punk Tilly