A Way With Words

Dear Co-worker,

When we met with the administrator of a private school yesterday, I noticed some more problems with your use and pronounciation of words. Here are some quotoes that I wrote down as you spoke (emphasis added):

• "This [brochure] lay outs the program."
• "XYZ stands in Xylophone Yippee Zipper."
• "Have your teachers fumble through this curriculum guide."
• "The fat con-TENT was lowered."

Might I recommend these corrections? I always find it best to give the appearance of intelligence, especially when I'm speaking with educators:

• "This brochure lays out the program."
• "XYZ stands for Xyliphone Yippee Zipper."
• "Have your teachers thumb through this curriculum guide." Better yet: "Please ask your teachers to read through this curriculum guide." I'm fairly certain we'd like the teachers to critically read about our program rather than casually flip through it as though they were looking at a fashion magazine in a waiting room.
• "The fat CON-tent was lowered."

Here are three other tips that generally lend more credibility to what you're saying in a professional situation:

• Keep your shirt buttoned up so as to conceal your breasts, especially at a religious, private elementary school. (Read: A place that instills conservative values to young children. The statue of the Virgin Mary standing in the entrance was probably your biggest clue to keep your jacket on.)
• Bring your business card to the meeting. If you decide to leave it in the car rather than bring it inside, so be it, but please do not explain these details to people you're trying to impress or persuade. They hear the-dog-ate-my-homework excuses all day long, and they do not need to hear it from a busty 36-year-old.
• Do not lie about the service or product you're offering. Yesterday you flat-out lied about an important feature of our program, and it will likely determine whether or not our program will be accepted by the administrator, who's trying to make a decision based on the information we provide. Also, lying is immoral. (Remember the virgin I was talking about? Her kid really frowns upon lying.) Finally, your lie puts me a in an uncomfortable position. I either have to jump in right after you tell the lie and correct you and risk your humiliation, or I have to go back to the adminstrator and and "clarify" what you said at the risk of appearing like a back-stabber, or I have to counsel you to revisit the administrator at the risk of treating you like my subordinate and exposing the administrator to more of your unprofessional behavior.

Thank you for your ongoing consideration,

Punk Tilly