Profound reflections in hard times

Dear Boss,

When I walked into the office this morning, you called me over to a gathering of my co-workers and asked me to listen to a "Zen story." You read about a beggar who sat on a box for 30 years, holding out his baseball cap and collecting money. Predictably, a stranger walked up to the beggar and had nothing to offer except the sage advice to look inside that box. I was blown over when the beggar discovered it was chalk full of gold! I loved the implication that this impoverished person lacked curiosity and never looked inside the box, and also that his laziness prevented him from ever moving the box and discovering that it weighed a ton. Anyway, after the 5-sentence build-up to this surprising climax, I felt as elated as the beggar who was saved from destitution.

You so aptly summed up the story this way: "In these hard economic times, we all need to look deep within ourselves." Wow, that was some profound shit. I'm so totally glad that, on the eve of "Spirit Week" at our Catholic hospital, when at least two major units of our organization were either closed or sold off this week, you gave us a Hallmark-Zen parable (and some pastries) with which to alleviate our fears. I was pleased that you choose this story above a Christian prayer or a gospel story. Bastardized Buddhism rocks, and I know our patron saint is nodding his approval up in heaven. Thank you!

Insincerely,
Punk Tilly

p.s. Kudos for reading a story about a beggar while my co-workers and I are contemplating the possibility of unemployment. That was super smooth.

Nitpicking with a fine-toothed comb

Dear Co-worker,

Please allow me to clarify the difference between a fine-toothed comb and fine-tuning. People use the first phrase to mean that they're investigating something in detail. That's different than fine-tuning, or making small adjustments. When you say, "Let's fine tooth this document," it makes little sense. (Are you suggesting that we delicately chew our papers? Given the current state of the economy, Punk Tilly is affronted by such an unproductive and wasteful notion.) Please choose only one phrase and stick with it; do not change horses in midstream.

Also, do not use the word "literally" unless you really mean it. I have no doubt that you figuratively change hats between your two work roles, i.e., you completely redirect your attention from one specific task to another. I know for a fact that you do not literally change your headgear between your two roles, as if you were doffing a helmet and donning a dunce cap. Figuratively, your slaughter of the English language makes me want to gag. I literally want to run to the computer and blog after every one of our meetings.

Yours most sincerely,
Punk Tilly

WTF? Sentence of the week

I especially appreciated the Eval question and indicators and objectives and indicator sections as they helped clarify our program objectives.

A Way With Words

Dear Co-worker,

When we met with the administrator of a private school yesterday, I noticed some more problems with your use and pronounciation of words. Here are some quotoes that I wrote down as you spoke (emphasis added):

• "This [brochure] lay outs the program."
• "XYZ stands in Xylophone Yippee Zipper."
• "Have your teachers fumble through this curriculum guide."
• "The fat con-TENT was lowered."

Might I recommend these corrections? I always find it best to give the appearance of intelligence, especially when I'm speaking with educators:

• "This brochure lays out the program."
• "XYZ stands for Xyliphone Yippee Zipper."
• "Have your teachers thumb through this curriculum guide." Better yet: "Please ask your teachers to read through this curriculum guide." I'm fairly certain we'd like the teachers to critically read about our program rather than casually flip through it as though they were looking at a fashion magazine in a waiting room.
• "The fat CON-tent was lowered."

Here are three other tips that generally lend more credibility to what you're saying in a professional situation:

• Keep your shirt buttoned up so as to conceal your breasts, especially at a religious, private elementary school. (Read: A place that instills conservative values to young children. The statue of the Virgin Mary standing in the entrance was probably your biggest clue to keep your jacket on.)
• Bring your business card to the meeting. If you decide to leave it in the car rather than bring it inside, so be it, but please do not explain these details to people you're trying to impress or persuade. They hear the-dog-ate-my-homework excuses all day long, and they do not need to hear it from a busty 36-year-old.
• Do not lie about the service or product you're offering. Yesterday you flat-out lied about an important feature of our program, and it will likely determine whether or not our program will be accepted by the administrator, who's trying to make a decision based on the information we provide. Also, lying is immoral. (Remember the virgin I was talking about? Her kid really frowns upon lying.) Finally, your lie puts me a in an uncomfortable position. I either have to jump in right after you tell the lie and correct you and risk your humiliation, or I have to go back to the adminstrator and and "clarify" what you said at the risk of appearing like a back-stabber, or I have to counsel you to revisit the administrator at the risk of treating you like my subordinate and exposing the administrator to more of your unprofessional behavior.

Thank you for your ongoing consideration,

Punk Tilly

Timeliness is Next to Godliness

Dear Co-Worker,

Today is February 12th. Please do not e-mail our associates and inquire after their satisfaction with the holiday season. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's constitute the holiday season, and those took place between 6 and 11 weeks ago. As usual, you are too late and that's not o.k. Next year, let's cap off the holiday talk by January 7th at the latest, shall we?

Sincerely,
Punk Tilly

p.s. My apologies if the holidays to which you referred were MLK Day and the Chinese New Year.

Close, but no cigar

Dearest Co-worker,

• Responsive and responsible are not the same word.
• It's vested interest, not invested interest.
• "On the ball" and "Roll with it" are two different expressions. "I'm going to roll on the ball" doesn't make sense in a conversation about following a work plan and accomplishing tasks unless your plan is to strengthen your abs using a large fitness ball.

Thanks for using a dictionary and thinking before you speak.

Yours sincerely,

Punk Tilly

Nosy no-no

Dear Co-worker,

I'm going to keep this one short and sweet: Do not open or read mail that is addressed to me. Your invasion of my privacy is definitely not o.k.!

-P.T.