A Way With Words

Dear Co-worker,

When we met with the administrator of a private school yesterday, I noticed some more problems with your use and pronounciation of words. Here are some quotoes that I wrote down as you spoke (emphasis added):

• "This [brochure] lay outs the program."
• "XYZ stands in Xylophone Yippee Zipper."
• "Have your teachers fumble through this curriculum guide."
• "The fat con-TENT was lowered."

Might I recommend these corrections? I always find it best to give the appearance of intelligence, especially when I'm speaking with educators:

• "This brochure lays out the program."
• "XYZ stands for Xyliphone Yippee Zipper."
• "Have your teachers thumb through this curriculum guide." Better yet: "Please ask your teachers to read through this curriculum guide." I'm fairly certain we'd like the teachers to critically read about our program rather than casually flip through it as though they were looking at a fashion magazine in a waiting room.
• "The fat CON-tent was lowered."

Here are three other tips that generally lend more credibility to what you're saying in a professional situation:

• Keep your shirt buttoned up so as to conceal your breasts, especially at a religious, private elementary school. (Read: A place that instills conservative values to young children. The statue of the Virgin Mary standing in the entrance was probably your biggest clue to keep your jacket on.)
• Bring your business card to the meeting. If you decide to leave it in the car rather than bring it inside, so be it, but please do not explain these details to people you're trying to impress or persuade. They hear the-dog-ate-my-homework excuses all day long, and they do not need to hear it from a busty 36-year-old.
• Do not lie about the service or product you're offering. Yesterday you flat-out lied about an important feature of our program, and it will likely determine whether or not our program will be accepted by the administrator, who's trying to make a decision based on the information we provide. Also, lying is immoral. (Remember the virgin I was talking about? Her kid really frowns upon lying.) Finally, your lie puts me a in an uncomfortable position. I either have to jump in right after you tell the lie and correct you and risk your humiliation, or I have to go back to the adminstrator and and "clarify" what you said at the risk of appearing like a back-stabber, or I have to counsel you to revisit the administrator at the risk of treating you like my subordinate and exposing the administrator to more of your unprofessional behavior.

Thank you for your ongoing consideration,

Punk Tilly

Timeliness is Next to Godliness

Dear Co-Worker,

Today is February 12th. Please do not e-mail our associates and inquire after their satisfaction with the holiday season. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's constitute the holiday season, and those took place between 6 and 11 weeks ago. As usual, you are too late and that's not o.k. Next year, let's cap off the holiday talk by January 7th at the latest, shall we?

Sincerely,
Punk Tilly

p.s. My apologies if the holidays to which you referred were MLK Day and the Chinese New Year.

Close, but no cigar

Dearest Co-worker,

• Responsive and responsible are not the same word.
• It's vested interest, not invested interest.
• "On the ball" and "Roll with it" are two different expressions. "I'm going to roll on the ball" doesn't make sense in a conversation about following a work plan and accomplishing tasks unless your plan is to strengthen your abs using a large fitness ball.

Thanks for using a dictionary and thinking before you speak.

Yours sincerely,

Punk Tilly

Nosy no-no

Dear Co-worker,

I'm going to keep this one short and sweet: Do not open or read mail that is addressed to me. Your invasion of my privacy is definitely not o.k.!

-P.T.

Deflection protection

Dear Co-worker,

Please look up the meanings of reflective and deflective. You told our boss that we need deflective vests for our safety outside on the playground. I wonder what it is you'd like to deflect. Gamma rays from outer space? One can never be sure what you really mean, and that's not o.k.

-Punk Tilly

Predatory proselytizers

Dear Trench Coat-clad Proselytizers,

I was out for a walk this afternoon in my neighborhood park. Both of you hopped over the snow berm on your side of the street, crossed over, and inquired after my health. I replied that I was fine, thank you, and walked away from you as quickly as possible. With my back to you, you asked how my Christmas had been, and I felt like breaking into a sprint. This was the second such exchange we've had in the past three months, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Dear young men, please stop crossing the street to talk to me. You should not approach women who are out walking alone. You should not approach people whose body language -- lack of eye contact, hands in pockets, fast walking -- clearly says, "I am not interested in a conversation." Your tactics seem more than a little predatory, and that's not o.k. I'm sure God would agree that deeds done in His name should not creep people out.

Sincerely,
Punk Tilly

What would baby Jesus say?

Dear Symphony Orchestra Chairwoman,

I recently attended your holiday pops concert, and I observed a number of troubling things throughout the evening that I would like to bring to your attention.

First, if you'll permit me, a few words about the musical program. Your conductor kept saying that the evening's theme was "jazzy." You and I both know that a Tchaikovsky quartet and Victorian Christmas carols are, in fact, not jazzy at all. People in our small town may not be as sophisticated as some, but we know the difference between jazz and 19th century Russian compositions.

Owing to the lack of a musical theme and the conductor's assertions to the contrary, I have heard the concert called "a total shit show" by one of my friends. In the future, please assure the conductor that he does not need to create a false theme for a holiday concert because the holidays are the theme. We all know that pops means variety/shit.

Secondly, I would like to point out how the conductor was sexually objectified throughout the evening. Our newspaper and all of your marketing materials are saturated with information about his young age, unmarried status, height, and supposed charm. Please let each man and woman make of that information what they will. You are not required to publicly declare him "tall, dark, and handsome" and "the most eligible bachelor in town." Nor are you required to print, on the first page of the program, an invitation for patrons to "fall in love with the music" beside a casual photograph of the conductor. A flirty speech about his new custom-fit tuxedo, with a deliberate pause for audience reaction, is likewise unnecessary. (Would you have liked me to imagine the tailor measuring his inseam?)

This institutionalized fawning only inflates the conductor's arrogance, and it chips away at the dignity of his professional accomplishments. I understand how hard it will be to keep the innuendo off the stage and out of the program. Yes, we were all excited to hear that an employed, single young man had moved here, and, let's face it, his European accent is frosting on the cake. However, let us use the opportunity to practice composure and at least pretend that we value his life's work more than his full head of hair.

If I take offense to mild sexual objectification, it will come as no surprise to you that I regarded the guest soprano's behavior as wanton: The salacious photograph in the program and local newspaper. The costume changes between songs, from one cleavage-bearing dress to another. The way in which she opened the show -- sauntering down the aisle under a spotlight, sitting on men's laps and kissing their foreheads. The way she kept purring "maestro" into the microphone as she touched the conductor's arm.

If I had been in the position of the guest singer -- if my voice were superficial and if I were accompanied by an amateur symphony -- would I have tried to distract the audience with my breasts? Would I have set aside the celebration of our Savior's birth in favor of soft-core sexual exploitation using a slinky red sequined dress and a throaty laugh? Absolutely not. That's not o.k.

In this season, reverence and solemnity are where it's at. The singer's lounge act had no place at this concert. Sure, the flagging economy has you looking for ways to drive up ticket sales. You felt good after the concert when the wealthy male patrons, who normally doze off during your concerts, thanked you for an entertaining evening. All I'm requesting is that the singer-conductor foreplay be confined to the summer pops concerts when the warm weather is better suited to the various states of undress that "Candy" and her ilk seem to prefer.

Finally, dear chairwoman, I was troubled by the choice of sing-along songs at the end of the concert. Since you also attended the concert, you undoubtedly noticed that only 10% of the audience was actually singing along and the remaining 90% were either struggling or silent. Clearly, a Christmas song about marshmallows was a bad idea. Also, given our geographic isolation and homogeneously white population, you cannot trust everyone to grasp the lyrics to Feliz Navidad at such a fast tempo. Next year, I would suggest that all of the lyrics be in English.

Thank you for your kind consideration of my suggestions for next year's holiday concert. I look forward to a more reverent performance in 2009.

Gracias,
Punk Tilly